My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and . Guess what? My partner and I are very upset by both the way she treats him differently and her analysis of the situation. ), But keep in mind that your mother may be touchedpleasedrather than upset by your mother-in-laws enthusiastic embrace of this honorific. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. The thing is, I have very little contact with my daughters. slate advice columns care and feeding. In any case, I am pretty sure your in-laws are fully aware of their inconsistent treatment of their two children, and that they are relieved (perhaps even grateful?) The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. Whats the alternative? Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. And of course they may have other reasons, having nothing to do with you, for wanting or needing to stay together.). You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. I have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves. Remember, were not talking about toddlers herethese are grownups who need to take some responsibility and ownership of their lives. countries. ao tw Howtobuild a land drain. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. Photo by Getty Images Plus. This is the time when you should travel, engage in hobbies, chill out, or do whatever the heck your heart desires as you enter the latter stages of life. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but its made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika. that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take care of their troubled adult daughter. Many parents feel this way (and its often true, too). Intentions arent everything. Dear Care and Feeding, I can't stand my in-laws. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. How do we gently shut this down if it comes down to it? I do want to point out, in regard to the idea of specialness, that in many families in which English is the language spoken at home, the grandmothers are called Grandma X and Grandma Y, or Nana X and Nana Y, without issue. And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. I hate my sister-in-law. New ones are published almost daily. I hate seeing pictures of healthy newborns. Sometimes its in response to little things, like a line for the bathroom or a movie she likes being taken off Netflix, other times its a reaction to more major setbacks, like not getting the grade she wants on a test or not making a sports team. I would go so far as to say that they reward her bad behavior. One is a state college 30 minutes away. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Advice Column Collection. Uh, No Thanks. 10. Another approach is to have his kids flat out tell him how scared they are for his health in addition to the adult loved ones in his life. How do I get my parents to divorce? She feels controlled and trapped. She has been publishing "Nicole Knows," a potpourri of beauty, pop culture and general life observations and advice since February 2018. There was a long pause and then she said shed have to think about it. Now I wonder if she thought I was putting off talking to her because of her request for boundaries. That didnt work. My son-in-law works 20-30 hours a week and my daughter struggles with depression and takes seasonal jobs. My personal favorite: My 3-Year-Old Keeps Complimenting Me on My White Skin [December 1, 2020] And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. (Again, Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own. Any advice on how to deal with this divide? Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Probably the most important thing is youre almost 65 years old. Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. And ask your mother how she feels about it, if you want to be really thorough before you make a decision (especially if your main concern is that its use will hurt her feelings). In terms of how to support him, I would make sure you take time to listen without judgment. They have insurance so the basement restoration will happen. I know you love my kids, but I cant have them live with the fear I had all of my life around you. Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. You can still be respectful of your ex as you confront some of her claims about you. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. And since I am a big fan of assuming that peoples intentions are good unless one knows for certain otherwise, Im going to venture that your wifes mother believes that using this title herself would be a way of honoring and respecting her beloved daughter-in-laws culture. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. Over the last five years, she has regularly told our kids Im manipulative, criticized my relationship choices (to them, never directly to me), and told them they arent a priority to me (which they very much are). But your situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact. Do whatever you can not to insert yourself into it. Its time for this man to do the same. Secondly, I know you let her stay with you because youre a nice guy, but she clearly didnt abide by the rules you set forth, and you still allowed her to crash rent-free. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! I just accepted a new job, an exciting career opportunity for me, about a 2-hour drive away from our home in a big city. She needs to hear and understand how seriously upset you and your partner are about this, and that it is unacceptable to specifically target your youngest child and discipline him in ways that you, his parents, dont find appropriate. A wave of claustrophobia closed in on him. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? I Despise My In-Laws. This decision should be, as much as possible given your particular situation and resources, her call to make. Your baby is HUGE!. Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. Thank you in advance. I am intimately familiar with trying to replace she doesnt want to talk to me with shes busy, and I learned a long time agolong before I had a grown-up daughter, back when I was the grown-up daughter and my father wouldnt think twice about sending me the sort of link (if hed known how to send a link) you sent your kidthat if you want to have a good relationship with adult children, you should assume competency and never offer advice unless asked for it. Moving is hard, but in the middle of a school year seems especially tough. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. When he does the work, hes lazy, resents having to do multiple steps on things, and doesnt follow directions well. I let him play with my old, no longer used gloves of all kinds. According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. I expect youll eventually find that you have others in your corner, friends who will relate to and understand and support your family, who will care enough to learn what they dont know, who will see and love and celebrate your child and all of you as you are. Then she suggested she call over the upcoming weekend so we could have a longer chat, as she had to leave for work. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. I asked my daughter to follow two rules while here: Not to bring home endless guests, and that she not get pregnant while living here. Youre not raising him with unrealistic or sexist views about love if you dont discourage him in his adoration of Kaylie. As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. However, she is much stricter with him in what we feel is not an age-appropriate manner, and she doesnt deny treating him differently. Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Have a question for Care and Feeding? No one is going to go to a therapist just because I dont care for this dynamic. "The other portals are of ebony. Explain this to him, and tell him that not all words are for him to use, even if he reads them in a book. She is an adult. But your obligation to your 5-year-old child, to his mental and emotional health and well-being, outweighs your obligation to a grown adulteven a parent. Photo illustration by Slate. When he tells you how great she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too. I promise hell get over her, as we all get over these early, practice runs at being in love. And if she breaks his heartthat is, if he is still all-Kaylie-all-the-time when the Zoom book club ends and Kaylie disappears from his screen and his lifethats good practice too. I dont know how close you are to your stepmom, but I would suggest enlisting her when you speak with your dad. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. I never want them to feel the fear that I had. Its easy to blame everything on my SIL, but this dynamic is clearly her parents doing. Dont get defensive or angry when it happens. Photo illustration by Slate. She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. The babys mother was anxious about leaving him for an evening. Yesterday, one of my stepbrothers and the older of my half sisters told me that they were really scared that Dad was going to die soon. Obviously he, like all of us, will be exposed to rude or inappropriate or hurtful words for the rest of his liferight now, the key is to help him start thinking more critically about language, how we use it, the power it wields. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Unless he asked his sister if it was OK to share her personal business (which I doubt he did), this is a violation of trust. Especially to her stepmother, who seems to be making no effort to hide her own considerable distaste and dislike for the childs mother. You are within your rights to help your kid find books thatll be good for him right now; you arent going to be monitoring his reading forever. Speaking from experience as someone who has been on the receiving end of an intervention, I found that it is much more effective when more than one person is there to deliver a harsh truth. For a while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months later. Close the door. thioacetone amazonafilmy4wap production (@carvellwallace) Interview Highlights. Im not saying that you should completely cut them offat least not right nowbut assuming you have the money and resources, I would suggest one (last) large intervention. Is there a chance that Ella doesnt mean anything by her comments? Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Have a question for Care and Feeding? Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. The column also answers questions about relationships between adults + their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, etc. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. Its anonymous! Your daughters situation is heartbreaking, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children. 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